He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
