opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
