I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
