I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
