Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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