cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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