I wish I could punch you in the face.
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
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