i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
