ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
