you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
