I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
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yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
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A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you