So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.