Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots