her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
