i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
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