Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
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he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
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Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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