Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
he just fucked me for my cheese.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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