I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
