The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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