You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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