Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
