I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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