I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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