I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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