Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
