i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
