Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
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He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
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Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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