Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
