the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
