mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
