today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
