I CAN MOONWALK!
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
