I faked an abortion last night.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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