i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
