My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
