Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
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