shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
