based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Randomize
