I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
this boner is exhausting
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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