So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
