he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
