he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
