When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Randomize
