it hurts more in the daytime
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
