Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
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