I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
