there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
