you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
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do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
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we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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