I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
