I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
