so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
