if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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