Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
