So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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