And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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