loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
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Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
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That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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